Proving Your Worth
by Megapengu
Summary: Himura Kenshin isn't the only one who feels unworthy of love-a story of a trick played on Sanosuke by a certain fox that gets out of hand, breaking Kaoru's heart in the process. Rather than breaking up her wayward family and spoiling a certain redheads chances at happiness, Kaoru decides to leave and become a wanderer herself.
1. Chapter 1

The evening was going so well for Megumi Takani. She had a certain redhaired swordsman linking arms with her when they walked. Helping her down the steps. Sharing tea with her. All right under the eyes of a certain idiot rooster head.

She had gotten angry, she knew it was foolish. Their banter over the past year became a daily ritual. So comfortable, so...near domestic. Sanosuke would hurt himself drinking, or gambling, or training, and each afternoon he would amble on over to the clinic. Complaining of aches and pains, bandaging scrapes and bruises. He would never come out and admit it to her, and she was too big a coward to ever ask, but surely after a month or so he knew enough first aid that he could take care of his own injuries. Surely there was another reason behind his daily visits...

And then they stopped. Two weeks had gone by and no sight of him! No explaination, no note, nothing! Why? Who was treating him now?

Well, her teeth gritted, if he could easily replace her then so could she. She smiled thankfully. Kenshin was always so easy to talk to, so understanding. She explained to him what happened and her quest for revenge and he readily agreed. After she had come to him... bore her secret fears to him...he looked up at her with a warm and genuine smile and said "Megumi-dono, this one has no problems helping a friend, that I dont. Sano is stubborn, this one has known from our very first meeting. Let me know how I can be of assistance."

It was going so well, she smiled. She could feel his gaze on her throughout the evening, burning into her skin.

It was clear he felt it. Felt the same...whatever this feeling was...as she did. He knew her past, knew the damage that had been done. She would be damned if she made herself vulnerable, if she made the first move. Was this just a game to him? Over a year, all this time...did it mean enough to get jealous but not enough to do anything about it?

She walked to the gate of the dojo with Kenshin, her anger making her eyes well up with unshed tears.

If that's the way things were going to be, then fine! If he didnt care, neither did she! And she had just the way to prove it!

"Kenshin?" She murmured sweetly.

He turned his hed and offered her a faint upturn of his lips, preparing to part ways.

Gently she reached over and hugged him, gently whispering in his ear "Im sorry about this in advance, Ken-san."

He pulled apart from her confused, a shocked "Oro!" barely escaping his lips before she yanked the front of his kimono and covered his mouth with hers.

* * *

Kenshin stood in utter shock for a moment, barely registering what had happened, before he felt a boiling spike of anger approach him. The kiss went on and on for what seemed to be several minutes, but in reality it was much shorter before he gently but forcefully pushed Megumi away. He turned and prepared for the anger of his best friend, whom he was sure was the reason behind Megumi's charade. He was about to speak, to explain, when an overwhelming rush of emotion came over him.

A ki so enflamed in the woods behind him, despite its abrupt and speedy movement in the opposite direction that it overwhelmed his senses. He reached for the hilt of his sword, but as he did, he realized whom it was. Blinking rapidly in confusion at the force of her emotions before he realized they werent of fear, happiness or anger, but over such an overwhelming anguish that all of the air in his lungs constricted.

What had happened to his Kaoru?

It was about that time that Sano's shouting finally registered.

"I cant believe this! After all...after we-!..UGH!" He punched a nearby tree, making a large portion of it splinter.

His voice got low and dangerous. "It was one thing to tease, or joke to make me jealous, Megumi." "That would have been fine, maybe even deserved." he chuckled darkly.

"But you! BOTH of you. How could you do this? I don't even know who you are Megumi Takani. Do you have no heart at all. I THOUGHT YOU WERE HER FRIEND!"

He cussed and started to walk away quickly.

Kenshin started to follow, knowing Sano could feel that ki as well, albeit maybe not as strongly as he could sense it. "And you Kenshin, I am ashamed of you. I know you feel her pain too, don't you?"

Kenshin's eyes widened and he was about to ask Sano what he meant when Sanosuke held up his hand, silencing him.

"You are the biggest idiot I have ever met. I am not going to bother telling you what her actions have been screaming at you since the day you ran away from us! If youre too fucking blind to know whats hurting her now then you don't deserve to know, Kenshin."

Kenshin stared at the trail Sano left behind as he ran, his emotions churning inside him with a sickening viciousness he could scarcely remeber ever having felt. The last time he could recall this tightness in his chest was when he thought he lost her, when he thought she had left this world at the hands of his enemy.

As he blankly watched Megumi run on shaky legs back to town, lost in his own thoughts, he had a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach that despite the fact that his Kaoru-dono was here, and safe from physical harm...maybe he was closer to losing her in ways he never dared even hope for.

* * *

'Kaoru..." Sanosuke whispered soothingly, reaching out to rub comforting circles between her shoulder blades as she violently shook from the sobs she was forcibly suppressing.

She took two deep, shaky breaths, exhaling slowly. The back of her hand running over her eyes to catch the tears pooled below them and the drops still collected on her eyelashes. She glaces at him contritely, and he was shocked to see that despite the visibly earth shattering pain the girl was in, her face was not nearly as drenched in tears as he thought it would be. At every turn, Kaoru Kamiya surprised him and everyone with how quietly strong she was. Her happiness and anger she was so quick to unleash explosively. If she was upset or frustrated it rolled off of her in waves, but how on earth she managed to quell this deep heartbroken dispair without the same unleash of emotions was unfathomable to him.

In a somber but calm voice she said "I am glad he wont be alone anymore...Megumi...she is just so beautiful, isnt she?" With a heavy sigh of envy she curled her arms around her knees and stared up at the sky.

Her reaction was alarming. She was normally so expressive...and that was when Sanosuke realized that this was not a new phenomenon to her. This was no new ache of longing inside her heart as Megumi's lack of affection was to him. This was years worth of longing, hope and disappointment from the man she loved. He was briefly angrier with Kenshin than he could ever recall being. That idiot loved her too and let her live like this-he let her go on believing that she was unwanted and unworthy of him.

"Kaoru, its not-" Sanosuke began...only for her to gently reach out and pat his arm soothingly.

"Sano...no really...its okay." She shuddered against a sob as she exhaled another slow breath. "I..." she began staring at him. "I know how you feel about her too. I'm sorry that things didn't turn out in your favor...I really thought you two would be good together too. But...I guess you just dont know who is inside someones heart sometimes, despite your best hopes." She sighed sadly..."I guess I should have known how much more loveable someone like her is...than a messy, ugly child like me." She laughed and the sound was so painful and grating to his ears...

"Hey, thats not!..." She chuckled sadly dismissing him and shook her head.

"I appreciate the thought Sano, youre very sweet for caring. I really do view you like a brother...but I know how people think of me, its the reason I havent said anything before now. It was a silly dream, nothing more..."

He could barely believe his ears. His confident, proud sister, Kaoru Kamiya...who had a spine of steel, thinking this way about herself! She assaulted the Battousai on their very first encounter even! Followed him into sure death with all the power and confidence, all the hope of someone with the strength most men could not muster.

He thought back to all the times at the dojo...all the silly jokes about her cooking ability, her lack of feminine charm. Him and yahiko teasingly calling her an ugly tanuki whenever she was harsh against them for not doing the chores. He winced at the thought that...maybe she didnt take all those comments in stride the way they thought she did. Maybe beneath it all she heard a grain of truth in their words and despite her show of anger...had started to actually believe that nobody would want her...?

"Sano...if you wouldnt mind...Id like to be alone for a while. I promise to return before it gets too dark...I just...I just want to be by myself for a while..." He stared at her for a moment and watched as she shook her head and let the long curtain of her black hair shield her face as she leaned her head against her knees. Her hands were clasped together tightly in front of her calves...so tightly her knuckles were turning white.

He knew that it was not his job to comfort her, that it was out of line for him to even consider it. This was the job of a lover or a spouse. He watched as she did everything she could to hold herself together and he sighed. He was doing more harm than good. She was doing everything she could to hold herself together until he left...was only willing to fall apart completely when no one could bear witness.

He got up and dusted himself off, and with a smile he said "if you need me you can call me. And if it makes you feel any better to know...I think Kenshin is a fool for leaving you alone. You look beautiful tonight, Kaoru-dono."

He mocked Kenshins formal speech, hoping to earn a small smile. She gave it her best effort, he could tell, but coming from him the words held no meaning to her.

Walking back to the dojo, he decided to spend the evening cleaning the floors. His regret at the burdens Kaoru was shouldering gave him motivation to do all the chores she rightfully lectured him about. He knew if he went home he would dwell upon Megumi. That stupid fox...he growled interally. Yes, going home was a foolish idea.

He stomped his way back to the gate when he saw two soft violet eyes staring at him. Kenshin was the last person he wanted to see, but the pain in his eyes was oddly satisfying. It didnt lesson his desire to hit the man for an instant though...his fist clenched in anger at the idiocy of his best friend.

"Kaoru...ah...K-Kaoru-dono...is she...is she in pain?" Kenshin began softly. "Would gensai sensei help at all...?"

Kenshin could feel the roiling emotions coming off of Sano, but his insides were tearing him apart. Distantly, he could still feel it. His Kaoru...it was like all the joy and light had fled her body. His stomach hurt from the distant dispair he could feel from the faint traces of her ki. She was far enough away that it wasn't the sucker punch to his gut that it had been as she ran away...but it didnt seem to be getting better. The opposite was the case. A heart wrenching sadness so consuming that he was worried someone had died.

His words came out in a growl "Leave her alone. Of course shes in pain you idiot. What did you think would happen when you-"...he stopped himself from continuing and turned sharply away, walking more quickly than before.

"Doctor Gensai," Kenshin began in desperation

"DOCTOR GENSAI CAN'T HELP KAORU WITH THIS! YOU IDIOT! God, just leave her alone. I cant believe you, I just cant. How can any man be so completely oblivious?"

Kenshin reached out and grabbed a sleve to his jacket to stop him from continuing forward and so Sano unwillingly turned to face him, mildly shocked to see Kenshin kneeling in the dirt, staining his hakama and bowing his head to Sano, as a beggar might.

"This one is unsure of who did this or what has been done, but...but Kaoru...this pain of hers is something this one is unable to accept. Surely there is something this one can do...however small it may be...this one will do all that he can to help return her smile."

He glanced into Sano's eyes and he was shocked to see a hint of amber swirling in his irises.

"This one knows he has greatly upset you with his actions, that he does, and is willing to do whatever he must to amend things with you, his closest friend...but please..." he whispered "Her suffering...it feels as if my heart is being crushed under a heavy weight, how is she even able to breathe? Tell me what this one must do and he will do it." Determination worked his way into his gaze. "This one does not care about what the cost will be, that he does not."

"You really are something else arent you? Jou-chan follows you into countless battles...risks everything and travels to Tokyo for you! Nearly gets killed for you and you still dont see it, do you? Do you even know who she is at all? What she holds dear, what is in her heart, her soul?...Kenshin...when you look at her, do you even see her at all?"

Kenshin took a deep, shuddering breath. "Sanosuke, you're making it sound as though she..." he shook his head. "She knows who this one is Sano...it im just not possible that she..." He inhaled sharply, recalling the exact moment he felt the painful ripple in her ki. "You mean this evening, she...with Megumi-dono..."

"She had her first kiss this evening Kenshin. At the Akabeko, one if the guests had drank too much sake...he cornered her. By the time Tae and I pulled them apart, it was too late."

"Do you know what she said to Tae, Kenshin?"

He shook his head, his eyes a full amber in his rage. Worry for her was in the forefront of his mind but another thought followed swiftly on its heels: how dare someone touch his Kaoru! He knew it was wrong. He had no right to be so jealous, so possessive. She was all that was good and light in this world. He was tainted, and bloodstained and unworthy, and yet...he wanted...

He shook his head again.

"She told Tae that it probably didnt matter anyway. That her first kiss wasnt that big of a deal anymore. She had given up hope of being courted by now and was content with what happiness she had for now. That she was thankful for what she already had and wasn't so arrogant as to hope for any more."

"Thats just...that's not.." ...possible. How could she not have a single suitor by now? And then he realized that he was to blame. Everyone in town knew by now that she boarded the hitokiri battousai. He closed his eyes in pain as regret washed over him in waves.

"To keep everyone close, to keep everyone else happy...shes content to live like this Kenshin. To never marry, never have children of her own to carry on the Kamiya line."

His eyes were hurt and bitter when they met Kenshins for a final time, before walking to the dojo and leaving him there, kneeling in the dust.

"You are not the only one that thinks they are unworthy of love, Kenshin Himura."


	2. Chapter 2

She stood on the bridge that had held so many memories for her. Watching him and Yahiko fish, anxiously watching him and Sano as they embarked on their journeys to other towns, small missions for meager wages to help with upkeep of the dojo.

A night of a thousand fireflies and being held by the man she loved, even if it was in goodbye.

Tears brimmed over in her eyes and she let them fall. She was never a crier...at least she tried not to be. She was blessed with a lot in her life.

She was healthy for one, she had a roof over her head, despite its constant upkeep, she was well fed and she had what she considered to be some of the best friends in the world.

She laughed to herself sadly. It was really her own fault, she knew. No one else was to blame for her selfish desires. It was just human nature wasnt it, to never be satisfied? Isnt that why her enemies had such problems?

Thirst for money, or power, or revenge...it was the cause of all their problems in the first place. Wanting more than they had, more than god saw fit to give them.

But wasnt she just as guilty? So what if her wants werent as tangible? So what if they wouldnt heighten her place in society. It didnt change how selfish they were. She knew it and would barely give herself permission to concede it in the depths of her own heart.

She loved him. The hitokiri battousai. Himura Kenshin. Her foolish, wandering rurouni that had made this humble dojo his home.

But how could she not love a man like him? He was as pure and good as they came. She knew he disagreed, knew he believed himself to be damaged and unworthy.

She loved him anyway.

He was the very symbol of all the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu stood for, he carried the very sword that could be credited for protecting her and all she loved, and carrying them into the new era on his own magnificent strength.

In the face of that, she knew her feelings were foolish. He scarecely touched her, hell, he barely even looked her in the eye. He wouldnt even call her name without honorifics.

So what if she was completely and utterly head over heels for the man?

It certainly didnt mean she deserved him...and it certainly didnt mean he felt the same.

Another sob got caught in her throat.

She knew that, especially after tonight.

God, this sucked.

Not only did he first kiss get taken by a disgustingly cocky and stumbling drunk patron of the Akebeko, but she made the stupid decision to not stick around as Tae and Yahiko suggested. On the trail home, thats when she saw them. She knew that they had come to dinner together, but she assumed that Kenshin was going to be helping her and Doctor Gensai gather supplies from the neighboring town as he frequently did. He didnt do anything overtly romantic throughout the night. And Megumi was always handsy around him. despite how jealous it made her, she was always mollified by the fact that he never seemed to show any interest.

Now she realized that Kenshin may just be more of a private person than she realized.

She was determined to have all her tears out tonight. She wouldnt let him see, wouldnt let the pain show. He deserved better than that. Megumi kissed him after all, clearly she held affection for him. Sometimes it seemed like there was such chemistry between her and Sano. The same chemistry she felt below her skin when Kenshins hands would bump into hers when they both reached for the tea kettle, or when he would warmly bid her goodnight before she closed the door to her room.

Apparently she was even more of a child than she thought, she did not understand romance at all.

The thought made her even more thoroughly depressed.

The only thing that stopped her selfish train of thought was him, her Kenshin.

How long had she thought of him like that? Her heart took one true glance at the man and claimed possession of him, and that just wasnt fair. He of all people deserved happiness, and joy...and more love than anyone else on this planet. It wasnt up to her to choose whom he loved in return.

With a hard swallow and a shake, she made up her mind. Brushing off her kimono, she dried her eyes along the sleve and made her way back to the dojo. She knew the kind of man he was, his whole life he had such a selfless heart.

He would never allow himself to love someone and be loved in return if he bore witness to the pain it caused someone he cared about. She refused to tear up her family either, as tight knit and happy as they were. Sure, sanosuke was also hurt by their choice, but he knew how much Kenshin deserved this...she knew that ultimately his best friend wouldnt begrudge him his happiness. Which meant one thing:

She was the only person who would be getting in the way.

* * *

Kenshin stayed awake in vigil, it was well after midnight, closer to the rise of the sun than its setting, as he sat on the porch of the dojo and waited, sword at his side.

His stomach was in knots with worry, strain and impatience. And if he were to admit it to himself...so was his heart.

His eyes swung over to the creaking gate to the dojo. He felt it again, but it was much more muted. The pain was still there, he realized with a wince, but it was deeply buried in her ki below a shield of unwavering determination. He stood to walk towards her and sucked in a shocked breath.

She was so beautiful. Her sapphire eyes glistening in the soft moonlight. The cascade of her hair over one shoulder, those deep ebony tresses he privately longed to run his fingers through as she slept.

How she was standing there while in so much obvious pain was a complete mystery to him. Her eyes were red rimmed and swollen from crying, her nose a cute pink that it would often times be in the colder months, but on this balmy summer night, he knew that wasnt the case.

Unbearable longing began to wring at his insides. Never had he seen a girl so lovely in such need of strong arms to hold her close.

"...Himura-san...what are you doing up?"

What?

His heart wrenched at her words. The walls were up around her heart now for certain, he knew. But even still, this distance was intolerable.

"This one has never heard you call him so formally, that I have not..."

Her smile did not reach her eyes when she replied, rubbing her arms with her hands. "It seemed more appropriate, now that you are in a courtship, I shouldnt be so informal with you."

His heart beat in a rough staccato, her determined shield broke as she spoke, and her ki flared painfully, it felt agonizing to him. There was no mistaking it now. Sanosuke was right. He wasn't so completely and utterly foolish that it was almost incomprehensible. His master Hiko was right, he was an idiot of epic proportion.

"Kaoru-dono...theres...theres a misunderstanding here, that there is. But you look tired, and this one fears you will fall over asleep before...before I can properly explain the truth." He swallowed.

She laughed softly and hollowly. The sound leaving her mouth so fake and forced that he never wanted to hear it again. Her life should be filled with joy and happiness...she was, to him, the symbol of all that was good in the world. He never wanted her to act in front of him again.

"This one has a most selfish request, that he does."

"Hmm?" Kaoru responded, curious as to what kenshin could ever want that could be selfish.

He softly padded up to her, and her heart started to pound, despite her mental protests.

Quite softly and gently, his hand reached up to her cheek and his knuckles brushed it. She realized then that her tears had continued to fall without her knowledge of consent. With the lightest of touches, his fingers cradled the back of her head, and pulled her closed. Wrapping his other arm around her shoulders, he brushed her hair from the top of her head, down to the small of her back in smooth, soothing strokes.

The pain inside her simultaneously sharpened, and calmed as he bent his head to her ear and whispered in a low voice, shocking her with his lack of formality:

"Just this...just this once, Kaoru."

* * *

With his noze nuzzled in her hair, taking in the sweet scent of jasmine, he felt at home. He felt her ki flare up again in pain, but an even stronger sensation came with it. He recalled this feeling at random moments in time. When she would come out to see him hanging laundry, shared cups of tea on the porch, and quiet dinners alone, when Yahiko would eat in town with Tsubame and her family. It was warm and gentle and comforting as it always was, and just when he thought he couldnt feel any more foolish for his obliviousness than he already did, he realized what it was.

There was an underlying nervousness and tension to the feeling he had never bothered to wonder about. It was shielded, not to decieve, but out of a strong fear of rejection. A tenuous yearning...a strong but gentle love that he felt resonate in every single cell of his being.

His arms tightened around her, and now that he knew what the feeling was, he became overwhelmed with a desire to strengthen that tenuous bond. To make her ki flare up with this feeling more intensely than despair had ever touched her.

He always knew he wanted it, but never dared to ask for it. But he would not reject a miraculous gift so freely given to him.

He would show her that Sanosuke was wrong. He did see Kaoru Kamiya. He saw her, and loved her with every fiber of his being and had for longer than he could remember.

Tomorrow he would show her that there was no woman on this planet that he deemed more worthy than she.


	3. Chapter 3

There were still a few hours before dawn when her spirit seemed to calm with impending sleep. Softly, gently, the shoji door shut with a clack as he took his leave into the night, hoping to return before she woke. He wanted her to know from the moment she awoke that things were to be different between them, but knew that all this emotion inside of him would not be expressed with ease. It had been too long since he shared this much. She knew more about him than anyone, but he kept his emotions reserved, the way that years of training has taught him. But no more-he would tell her everything and let her be the one to decide.

He remembered back to their accidental engagement and smiled. God, it had been years ago, that he thoroughly misunderstood western culture and gave her that pretty little ring. But when he had found it he knew he wanted to give it to her. Maybe not in a romantic sense, for he knew even then he did not deserve her...she just...the ring was so pretty...and pretty things like that should belong to beautiful people like her, should they not?

He was not a fool though, or at least he thought he wasnt. It seemed she had a crush on him at that point, and his heart had warmed with affection at the thought. But there was still so much she didnt know of him, so many sides of him he feared to share with her...so much of his past.

And so he let it go, maintained distance. He dismissed her feelings foolishly, convincing himself that she was just enamored with the thought of courtship at all, as young and fanciful as she sometimes was. That anyone could have given her the ring...that the feelings there were not unique to it having been him that had given it.

He laughed darkly at his own idiocy. Was it possible that she felt...even since then? He shook his head.

There was no way, so much had happened between then and now to dissuade her from such a foolish romance. If she was in love with him now...to think that there was even the possibility that she felt for him enough to love him through all the pain he put her through when he left for Tokyo...and after. Was it possible for someone to love another that much. So pure and selfless and good?

He knew if anyone could, it would be his Kaoru. His. How long had he thought of her that way in the privacy of his thoughts?

The moments were few and far between when he let his emotion rule, but they were there.

He knew from day one it would be foolish to dream, to fantasize of her, but when sleep evaded him late at night and the only sounds around him were of crickets and the gentle cadence of her breath as she slept...he recalled...

The way her body felt pressed against his as he held her goodbye. The time his foolish heart had overwhelmed him, in town of all places, and he placed her hand in his. A hundred small, glancing touches, a thousand gentle smiles she bade him before retiring for the night. And the wicked fantasies his mind had started to conjure has she had matured before his very eyes.

5 years. It has been five years since they met, bringing her from a soft 16 year old girl to a strong and vibrant 21 year old woman.

He features lost some of their childhood roundness, and her curves gained it. There was a reason he never permitted himself to watch her practice her katas any longer. Watching her swing about her bokken, practicing with Yahiko, or going through her own strenuous daily training...

Watching the sweat drip down from her temples on a humid summer day. The heat and the passion she exuded as she used every muscle in her body in her stances, only once or twice once those delicious curves of hers had ripened had he permitted himself to look, and he quickly left each time for he knew what would happen if he stayed.

Part of him yearned to spar with her, to fan the flames of her passionate spirit, just for the joy of watching it burn.

But part of him yearned to rip the bokken from her strong grasp and spark her passionate side in other ways, sinful ways, sweat slicked and intimate on the dojo floor.

He shook his head and continued along his path.

He knew this was the largest reason why he had kept away. Once he comitted to something, it was with sole minded focus, and had been since he was a child.

She deserved the best in life and that was never something an empoverished, war damaged soldier would ever be able to offer her. If he had allowed himself to express the privacy of those thoughts and robbed her of her choice he would have never forgiven himself.

Fire raced through his veins: but she had chosen him. She had, and he would no longer deny her. He would let her know precisely what he had held inside of him for so long, and he feared there was so much that it would come out like a torrent, a flood.

So he did what any foolish, love sick man would do...and he went gathering flowers to make her smile in the morning.

* * *

"Dearest Kenshin,

I know I had said to you that I would call you Himura-san, now that you have found a partner. I find, after years of being so familiar with you, that it is difficult, so excuse the improper address on this letter.

I am writing you to thank you for the years of happiness and friendship we have had together. Our group, while small, is my only family, and I care about all of you very deeply.

And that is why I have decided to take my leave.

The Kamiya Kasshin Ryu is something I hold dear to my heart, but of late, I find there is a piece of myself that is missing...a part of me that longs to feel whole. I have waited, and hoped for my heart to change, but it is stubborn, just like the rest of me, and I find I cannot force it to.

Last evening, I made a decision, a solution, if you will. To be truthful, it was upon seeing your happiness with Takani-san that made me long for a similar happiness of my own.

I know that romantic love and companionship of that type are ill suited for a violent girl like me, so I have decided upon another method to seek solace within this heart of mine.

After the war, you found peace and solace as a wanderer. You traveled with no real goal in mind and were a source of warmth and protection for many. I have decided to do the same.

I had long ago dreamed as any girl does, of marriage, and children to grow and teach, and love. But sometimes life does not see fit to give us those things and I refuse to be ungrateful for the gifts my life has given me.

Instead of this, I will choose to wander. I do not have your strength or skill, but I know that I can be of aid. I know that it is selfish of me to embark on a quest, not out of selflessness, by a desire to be wanted, needed, even. But my heart cannot be reasoned with any more.

I wish you and Takani-san a happy life together, and ask that you discuss your lodgings with Yahiko, as arrangements were made for this type of circumstance years ago, for the both of you.

Do not worry, for despite my wanderings be assured that you always will have a home, should you choose to stay there.

Your dearest friend,

Kaoru Kamiya"

Wiping her eyes and setting the parchment down upon his futon, where he slept, she crept outside as the moon began its descent over the horizon and started her aimless journey for solace in her unclaimed soul.

The sun had barely started to peek out among the trees when Kenshin felt a shiver up his spine. Rearranging the now-full baskets on his arms, he felt the urgent need to return home, as if something had gone terribly wrong.


	4. Chapter 4

Keeping calm, he refused to give in to the panic trickling in his veins, as he had no proof of anything being amiss. Opening the gates, everything appeared to be peaceful, relaxed and undisturbed, and still worry gnawed at him.

Opening the front door, he realized it was the peacefulness that should have been his first indication of things having been terribly wrong. He sensed the undisturbed ki of Yahiko slumbering peacefully, but, he panicked, no signs of his woman.

Wrenching open the door to her room, he saw her pallet rolled and put away. Nothing seemed amiss, until he noticed that her traveling cloak was gone, along with the majority of her clothing...which admittedly wasn't much to begin with.

Racing out of her room, he noticed the door to his own was open, and saw the stiff parchment laying on his unmade futon.

His first thought was ransom, but then he saw her own familiar handwriting.

He read the letter, and his heart shattered. Still she protected him with half truths and no admission of her emotions. He did not know how to handle someone loving him to this degree. This girl...she would sacrifice all that she loved to secure his own happiness? Had she no thought of herself?

He put himself in her shoes for a moment and realized...she was thinking of herself. The thought of bearing witness to the one you love being with another...he flinched visibly. Yes, there was no greater pain than that.

Grabbing his sword and his traveling cloak, he swung open the door to Yahiko's room.

Bleary eyed and half asleep, the boy stared at him, alarmed confused.

"Yahiko, what agreement did Kaoru make in regards to my lodging here at our home? She said you would know." He indicated to the letter before him.

A strong yawn left the boys throat.

"O-ohh...um, she never told you? She told me to never mention it, that she would take care of it."

Kenshin showed him the portion of the letter that indicated her request.

"Shes left, hasn't she Kenshin?" He muttered and sighed.

"Damn it! Five years she waited for you, were you never going to tell her?!"

Kenshin blinked in surprise at Yahikos anger.

"I can't blame her for leaving...after all, she laid her heart out on a platter for you. For you to continue to reject her...I just don't understand! Didnt you love her?"

Kenshin swallowed. "I did Yahiko...I do."

"When she almost died, she had the land re-titled. She wanted to make sure that if anything ever happened, that you has a place to come home to, Kenshin. The Kamiya plot was divided into thirds. She gave me the land to the east for when I get married, to raise a family on. She kept the dojo for herself. She laughed and said she would sleep there if she must, it was the only part of this home that truly mattered to her."

Kenshin gripped the paper roughly, wrinkling it in his hands. Does the boy mean...?

Yahiko met his eyes and answered the unspoken question. "Yes Kenshin, the house is yours." He sighed. "She said you do most of the upkeep anyway, and the cooking, it rightfully belonged to you. I think that part of her decision was because this home mattered so much to you, she could tell. And she couldn't bear to stay here if you were gone..."

Kenshin felt his stomach turn, his skin turn clammy with sweat in sorrow and fear. "Yahiko...did Kaoru-dono...ah, do you think Kaoru believes I stay here because of this house?"

Yahiko sighed. "Kenshin, honestly she doesn't know what to think. None of us do. Some days it seems to all of us that for you the sun rises and sets around her, but then why haven't you proposed?

It only makes sense to her that she thinks the way you treat her is some sense of obligation. You put your heart and soul into the chores and cooking and cleaning. With nothing else to show for your affections, it would be easy for her to think that you care more about the house than you do about her."

Kenshin groaned, "Why did no one ever tell me? How she felt...how...how badly I've mistreated her..."

"Kenshin we tried. Trust me, we tried. But shes stubborn with you. When you left her for Kyoto she admitted defeat...she was going to let you go. She didn't want to force you to remain a part of our lives if that's not what you wanted...

All of us. Tae, Dr. Gensai, Sano...even Megumi at one point or another have tried to say something, but every time she stopped us."

"Why? Why wouldn't she want me to know?"

"Kenshin...you dedicated your life to the happiness of others. To protecting people, to fight for the new era.

Its not that she doesn't think you care about her, its that if you knew...and you didn't feel the same way, she didn't want you to feel obligated...

She thought if you wanted her you would come out and say something on your own. She didn't want to push her desires on you and have you dedicate your life to her happiness rather than your own."

Kenshin cast his eyes downward miserably. The stems of the jasmine blossoms he was carrying crushed in his first.

A realization flashed across his mind and he jumped to a panicked alertness. It would be one thing for her to stay with Tae or visit a friend, which was his original thought, but having talked to Yakiho...with her bags packed, where was she planning on going?

Yahiko realized what that look meant and fear crept into his eyes as he asked "Kenshin, shes left hasn't she?"

Kenshin grabbed his sword and started to run towards the gate, hoping to catch her before she got too far away. "Stay here Yahiko, I will find here and bring her home, that I will!"

* * *

"...And stay out!"

Kamiya Kaoru was thrown out into the dust, the door slammed in her face.

Three weeks. Three weeks of random farms on the countryside. Camping in the woods among the trees. Kinks in her neck and shoulders from sleeping upright, the way kenshin had to maintain alertness in the dark of night when there was no place for shelter.

Standing up and dusting herself off for what had to have been at least the third time that week, Kaoru felt incomprehensibly foolish.

She turned back the way she came and decided to retrace her steps, to track down the stream she had followed on her way into town, hoping to wash up before she stopped for the night.

'It was stupid to leave the dojo...' she silently admitted.

The past few weeks were straining on her physically, mentally and most of all...emotionally.

She was coming to the realization that wandering was not a realistic living situation for a lady...well...maybe to some, just not her.

It must of been way different for Kenshin she mused.

Most households laughed in her face at her offer to guard them, with her small stature and her wooden bokken. Despite her passionate reassurances that she was teacher at a dojo, families wanted men to protect them, not women...and so she was turned away.

The few that would humor her however, seemed more interested in having her help with the housework...the cleaning, the laundry...and worst of all, the cooking.

Cleaning wasn't so bad. She kept with the house and the dojo all the time and had before Yahiko had even come along. The laundry? Kenshin had always volunteered for, and he seemed to enjoy it so much she would never protest. But now having someone skilled at the washing, she recognized her clothes scrubbing skills left much to be desired, and so did the innkeepers of whichever home she stayed in. It was around the time they asked for kitchen help that the results would become what they were today, she thought with a heavy sigh.

She arrived at the water and sat on a rock along the creek bed, readying herself to wash in the cold water.

She was never one to wallow in self pity, but life sure had not become what she thought it would.

It was no wonder K-...he didn't want her. She brooded privately. Even thinking his name hurt.

She realized now how woefully inadequate she was. Barely passable at basic house chores, a failure of a cook, a flaring temper and more apt to swing a bokken than do anything even remotely feminine or ladylike, other than her foolish daydreams.

Sure she had always wanted to be girly. To try her hand at makeup, the art of tea ceremony and wearing beautiful kimonos.

Makeup costed money better spent on feeding her boarders and fixing up her home and dojo. Tea ceremony was something taught by the lady of the house and her mother had died so young she could barely remember...

The few kimonos she had she left at home, a life of wandering not suited for such fragile fabrics, especially those as worn and threadbare as hers were from years of her use, and her mothers before her.

The only small lady like habits she had were the jasmine soap she used to wash, her long and shiny hair and the silky ribbons she would tie it with.

But at the thought of hair ribbons the same old hurt wrenched her gut and she ran her arm across her eyes to swipe away her tears.

Steeling herself to stand and stop her moping, she placed her hands on her knees and plotted her next actions. She needed to wash. She needed to find somewhere warm to sleep or a safe place to make a fire. She needed to find something to eat as it had been a day...maybe two since her last real meal other than a small bowl of leftover rice the last family had let her finish...before she got kicked out, that is.

Rushing up to her feet too quickly the world spun in front of her eyes and she faltered suddenly. The fatigue and absolute exhaustion of the last few weeks seemed to catch up with her all at once and stumbled. She heard a gasp behind her and went to turn around but her weak and shaky legs unused to so much walking could no longer support her and she buckled. The soft wet silt of the creek bed cushioned her as she fell down and she could have sworn she heard a curse and an incomprehsible, yet near reverent voice call her name before the everything blurred around the edges of her vision and the world went dark.


	5. Chapter 5

He was quite certain that Kamiya Kaoru was simultaneously the most wonderful and most frustrating creature he had ever encountered. And his master Hiko was plenty frustrating, that was for certain.

Weeks. Weeks of chasing and near misses. Of sleepless nights and of a never ending churning fear in his gut.

Every time he was sure he was close to her, she would vanish, almost as if she knew he was getting closer.

He had been knocking on doors, and people seemed mostly friendly to his inquiries, mentioning (sometimes with an obvious grumble, sometimes with a kind smile) the 'pretty runaway girl' they had called her.

His body hummed with impatience to see her, and if he was completely honest...to hold her in his arms again.

He knew it was selfish, he should give her the option to choose but these past few weeks had completely obliterated any semblance of restraint. He barely slept, barely ate. Fully intent on finding her, making her safe, bringing her home. A million thoughts scattered across his brain on a never ending loop-a million smiles and touches, he cursed himself...a million times her actions and her eyes had so obviously said what she was too afraid to speak aloud.

But did she really not know? He mused. He kept his distance for her own protection, yes, but when she would brightly smile on their walks, or during afternoon tea, and he felt his affection for her surge through him like a tidal wave and batter the wall he kept firmly between them...not once did his eyes betray how much he needed her?

He knew now it was not just a want anymore. It was a need, fierce and hungry and passionate. He felt deprived of oxygen, deprived of the sun without her smile there to warm him. Without those beautiful sapphire eyes that he longed for-how was it possible to miss someone this much over the course of three weeks? The pain of leaving her for Kyoto paled in comparison.

He was quite sure she was up ahead near town, perhaps she had stopped at a nearby farm, looking for work. He hoped the family there was friendly, that she was warm and fed and, even if she wasn't particularly happy at the moment (neither was he) at least his Kaoru was safe. The nights were getting so much colder, that they were.

He started following a stream he had found in the forest, happy to chance upon some fresh water and he smiled, seeing the worn tracks that trailed along the creekbed. 'Yes' he thought, his little shihondai was not far from here, if her cute, petite little footprints were any indication. He might even find her today, and at that thought, his pace quickened.

He was so focused on making his way through the forest that he nearly missed the sound of shuffling leaves, of small, soft sighs and sniffles up ahead of him on his makeshift path. He had been hoping and dreaming of her all day, each day, and at first had thought her to be his imagination.

Seeing her so obviously tired though, her hakama dusty and torn, her beautiful hair loosely tied but in disarray. His breath caught in his throat and he froze staring at the woman he loved...at the dusty tear stains down her cheeks.

Before he could announce his approach and eliminate the fear of scaring her, or worse, he watched with a small smile as she seemed to regain some of her energy. Her hands braced on her knees, she rose with a gentle exhale. It was when she took her first faltering step and he saw her legs start to quiver that he snapped out of his reverie and started to move as he had during the bakmatsu. He recognized those symptoms and sure enough, just as he landed on the other side of the creek where she was sitting, he saw her knees buckle from under her. He leapt forward with a curse and managed to cradle her head and shoulders as she fainted.

* * *

The fire was warm and comforting, but his worry and strain refused to dissipate, and he feared would not leave him for some time.

He was appalled-his little shihondai, his Kaoru was dirty and so obviously exhausted. Her beautiful skin covered in scrapes and bruises, worn with the obvious abuse of someone unused to traveling daily by foot. Is this how she looked when she arrived in Kyoto? He wondered, displeased with the thought.

He took the warm, damp cloth in his hands and ran it gently over her face, her flawless cheekbone, gently removing the dust and the dried tears, staring down at her, and touching her with a near reverence.

When she collapsed fear had flooded him so intensely that it choked him and he fell to his knees as he protected her head from making impact with the creek bed. As she landed, his other arm swiftly slipped beneath her bent knees with ease and he picked her up, held her to him for several minutes, reveling in her steady breaths and heartbeat, the warmth of her and the light smell of jasmine that seemed as much of his Kaoru as her long black hair.

He had carried her for hours, back in the direction of home when the sky started to darken. He stopped for the evening at the hurried camp he had made the night before and set to making a fire to warm her. As he laid her down on the spare clothing he had been force to pick up in his travels...the haori a makeshift pallet and his hakama bundled into a makeshift pillow beneath her head. Still shivering, he took the small wool blanket a family had graciously given him two towns over, he tucked it into her and held her.

Having held her for the better part of several hours now, the fear and worry of rejection slowly seeping into his veins like a poison, he realized that he was no longer strong enough to let her go.

She had gotten so light in three weeks. Had she even eaten at all? Had she been safe? He was fairly certain should he remove her own haori and underclothes that he could likely see her individual ribs. She was always small of stature, he knew, but to become this weak in such a short time...the thought of her alone and cold and hungry filled him with misery. His Kaoru should only ever be warm and fed and happy, that she should.

He knew he should have woken her but as he traced the gentle curves of her cheeks, saw the bruised beneath her eyes from lack of sleep, he couldn't bring himself to wake her.

After getting up to tend to the fire, to heat the remaining fish he had preserved from the evening before, hoping to let her rest a while longer and then fill her stomach with what was surely her first meal today, perhaps in days, he brooded.

After she was well cared for they were overdue for a long talk. He would not let fear, nervousness or uncertainty hold him back from saying what needed to be said. He was not worthy, he knew, but what did his worth matter against what she wanted? She was deserving of the very stars in the sky, so beautiful in heart and spirit that he now understood whole countries warring over a single female. He was very much glad she was not royalty and that the war had ended, otherwise his actions to come would probably cause more problems than he already had.

He nearly dropped the food at her whimper. Before he had even gotten to his feet she thrashed in her sleep, crying out incoherently. In the span of one second to the next he was beside her, clutching her to his chest, his hand soothingly rubbing her back as she whimpered and groaned in her sleep.

She seemed to calm back down and he moved to lay her flat once more when she curled on her side and moaned

"..gone...he's gone..."

A sob caught in her throat and she started shaking, her tears unable to be stopped in her sleep. His heart broke for her and he held her closer, murmuring comforts and affection into her ear, wiping her tears away with the pads of his thumbs. He could take no more and gently shook her, determined to wake her from her sleep, whispering her name.

"Kaoru-dono...Kaoru...my koishii, please...wake up.."

* * *

Kaoru groaned softly in her sleep. She was so very comfortable, more-so than she had been the entire time she was away. She heard the crackle of a fire and sighed contentedly at its warmth. She didn't know whether it was her imagination or not but she smelled the lingering traces of ginger and pine, the outdoors and a smell so unmistakably kenshin that she burrowed her face even closer in her sleep. Seeing the sweet signs of her stirring Kenshin chuckled, watching her freeze at the sound.

She gasped and sat up in a rush, startling him. With a predictable "Oro! and a gasp of his own, she heard him stumble and she was rapidly coming to the conclusion that this felt entirely too real to be a dream. Right around that time though, the dizziness caught up with her, but thankfully he was kneeling at her side once more and laid her gently back down before she overwhelmed herself again.

"Maa...Kaoru, you should lay down, that you should." He said gently, leaning over her to tuck her beneath the blanket once more.

She reached out her arm and grabbed his wrist holding him there before he could move away.

Her eyes went wide as she stared into his and whispered "Kenshin...Kenshin is that really you?"

"Yes Kaoru-dono, its really me..." he sighed. Her hand reached up to touch his face and her lips gently curved upwards in the corners. Her thumb gently traced the cruciform scar on his cheek before she realized herself and went to remove it. His hand abruptly held it in place, gently tilting his head into her hand like an affectionate animal. There was so much warmth and love in his eyes that her breath caught in her throat, her heart pounding.

He was like a drug to her and after three weeks of nothing but daydreams, he was so warm and close that she couldn't help but revel in the sensations, still unsure if this was even really happening.

But just like any addiction she now knew the pain of withdrawal-she knew if she grew close to him again, knowing how hard it is to be on her own, she would not have the strength to let go. These thoughts shattered her out of this dreamlike daze and her hand fell from his face and into her lap. She inhaled a shocked breath and lowered her eyes.

"Sorry...H-Himura-san...that was...I wont..." she whispered softly.

"Kenshin."

His tone was sharp and she raised her face to his and gasped at the amber swirling among the amethyst.

"H-huh?" She stammered.

"Its Kenshin, Kaoru...not Himura-san."

"But-"

He wrapped his hands around her upper arms are pulled her within inches of his face. He leaned in, his warm breath caressing her face.

"Say it. Look me in the eye and say my name, Kaoru." he whispered.

"Kenshin!" she gasped in shock.

"Again, Kaoru...say it again." he murmured, taking his arm and wrapping it snugly around her waist. He tilted her chin up and brushed his thumb across her mouth, watching her with heated eyes as she trembled.

"Kenshin..." she breathed out, like a sigh of relief after so many weeks of strain to not even think his name.

He inhaled sharply in response and the spark within his eyes grew into flame as his lips crashed down upon hers.


End file.
